Quickie

Just before I start work I thought I'd update this blog with a few shennanigans that have been happening in my life.

Work's Christmas do was fun including the dodgems. Highlight was free meal for my lovely spontaneous fiancee who was invited last minute. The afternoon was rounded up with a lovely evening of decorating our tree and fire place. It's looking really christmasey now.- a little taster on the left.



We have also completed most of the christmas shopping. On our left is a photo of Craig taken us shopping. It was also a good day.

Other news is that I am madly busy packing as we have found someone for my room. It is a mixture of sadness and happiness that I move out of my lovely flat in Chortlon. A rather rushed end to living with the wonderful Sally D. I am going to miss her tremendously as a flat mate. I am however looking forward to my new house and housemate! A new start, a new challenge and a lovely man, house and dog to boot. Just a little stressful all just before Christmas! But then have I ever done anything like moving in a logical manner....

Also have a start date for my new job 8th Jan 07. Not great but seeing it as an opportunity to have a good 2 weeks break. (well God has convinced me that that is what I need rather then worry about the loss of finance)

Cars

I think I have set a new record today- how many different types of cars/transport you can go through within 4-5 months:

here is the List:
Fiat Punto
Vespa
Volkswagen Polo
BMW 320 i
Fiat Punto
Ford Fiesta (courtesy car)
Fiat Punto (same one as above the Ford Fiesta)
Ford Focus (courtesy car)

In between my own cars and courtesy cars I have also taken advantage of an Audi A4 and a Toyota Prius.

Yes I'm on my second courtesy car since getting my new Punto. It has now decided not to start at times, random, unpredictable times I hasten to add......!!

Rant

Here I go, I need to rant about the following. Work and mis-communication. It really feels that you are punished for being honest these days. This is a bit of a long story I'll try and start from the beginning. (It also has two parts.)

Part 1) The problem with being honest: About a week ago I was offered a new job dependant on references. Now most people wouldn't tell their current employer that they have a new job as you haven't had the official offer as yet. But because I'm an honest person I thought I would tell them straight away. Now being this close to Christmas I can't really start the new job until after christmas. My contract at the moment doesn't officially end on the 9th January. So in theory I could work there until then and hand in my notice in the last week. But no I have now been told I have to hand in my notice at the end of next week. Which means I will loose 1 days leave entitlement and about a week's worth of pay due to pay day being when it is. And all this around Christmas. I mean if they were out to make a profit I could understand but they are a non-for-profit organisation!!!! What really annoys me is that I have worked my guts out for these people and now because of money and me being honest I'm going to loose money I cannot afford to loose. So if I lied and not discussed notice periods and things with managers I would not be loosing anything but gaining 6 days. How frustrating is it. I know that I should go with the opposite spirit but right now I just feel angry.

Part 2) My chief exec over the last couple of days has made me feel like an idiot because she was under the impression that my role should be 100% office based. But my line manager and senior have kept telling me and the housing officers' I assist to make the most of me having a car so to get out. And I have even sat infront of her in a liason and explained what I do and how many miles I drive on an average month. And now suddenly I am made to feel like I misread the job description, when I saw the job description for the first time- YESTERDAY. Ohhh it's so frustrating.

The most annoying thing about both scenarios is that I lack assertiveness. I wish I had the strength to sit down with managers, colleagues and even friends (only sometimes with friends) and let them know in a rational and logical manner how I feel. Without going bright red. I think that's where most of my anger lies about this, my own lack of assertiveness. But all hope is not lost because I have enrolled in a self help group focusing on assertivenss. Course should start in January. So I already have a New Year's resolution- to find my assertive self again. I know you are down there somewhere!!!!

Advent

1st Sunday in advent and I have been to church, remebering the reason for the season. And boy am I glad I did. I spent a couple of hours in town and got so depressed, feeling rather insecure at the moment and Christmas is really, really stressful when you have no money whatsoever. It's like you want to buy presents from anyone so the urge to just stick it on your credit card is huge!!! But you know that you will be paying it off until next christmas. So you can't. Horrible. therefore it was wonderful to be reminded that even if we get a scrawny looking tree and the cheapest tinsel around the reason why we are celebrating isn't going to go away. Amazing reassurance.

Holding

I'm holding at the moment to speak to my bank, call centres are so annoying. But at least I can do banking in the comfort of my own home.
To start with I have some sad news- My sharky has died. Even bought him some medicine but nothing has helped. Very sad, I buried him in our backgarden and said a few words. Never having fish again.

Other news is that I have found out that the HA that I am meant to be starting work with failed it's Housing Corp inspection and therefore is not getting new funding to upkeep their properties- several things could happen- they fold completely as a company- total redudancies; their have to join another organisation=major restruction or they get a grace period. My line manager found this out and is a bit concerned for me as with redundancies it's usually last in first out. It could all work out positive for me or I might have to look for another job. Suprised that they didn't tell me about it. So I have this weekend to think about it all and what to do. I think I'll just keep applying for other positions at the same time- If I could just find the time to do this. Stress. Change, change, change that seems to be the motto for my life.

So appreciate prayers for wisdom and finances.

Celebrations

Quick update. I got the job!!!! Very exciting. All dependant as yet on references and then they will sort out a start date. Not loads more money but other benefits like FLEXI TIME. At last the dream of having flexi time is becoming a reality.

Ps: I'm working on those photos of the car.

No excuses

This is turning into a weekly blogging thing rather then more frequent. I think it's because there is not that much exciting stuff happening in my life at the moment. But here is a list of my favourite events of the past week:
1. Seeing Jocelyn Flint in the arms of her Daddy all snuggled and the beautiful happy faces of the Flints.
2. Going to the German Market on Saturday night and feeling giddy and excited about christmas like I did when I was a little girl despite being completely broke.
3. Riding Kate for the first time in about 3 weeks (have had health problems that made riding absolutely no fun)
4. Making mine and Craig's house actually look like a home- emptying boxes and cleaning.
5. Discovering that Blue is really good with Horses.
6. Emails from my friend Marta at work with photos- makes the day go quicker.
7. Seeing Sally ever so excited about her romantic weekend away in.............. (like I would give the secret away!)
8. Driving my new Punto (it's actually 6 years old but new to me) It has put the fun back into driving.

I'll leave it at 8 as I need to be getting ready for my job interview at 12. Very excited.

The tank is going

Whoooo I've managed to part exchange my tank of a bmw with a Punto. I can't wait till Saturday. Now I hasten to add that my one is actually dark blue and not quite as old, but unfortunately very similar. But it's going.....
What else has happened this week:
Our managers are leaving like flies at work and it's all kicking off. The stress levels have been huge for everyone. Panic allround. But all in all still enjoying it-even arguments with tenants. It's quite fun.
Apart from work it's been chilling out at the flat and riding and chilling with Craig. We tried to go to the cinema yesterday but we missed the beginning of the film because our dinner was taking ages. Bummer.
Starting to feel very christmasey. Had my first eggnogg Latte at Starbucks, you know it's xmas when that happens. Realised that Starbucks is only a 10 min walk away from my current office. Shame I'm completely broke. Still can't sell the Vespa. No-one wants it, but it has been confirmed again that it's worth more than I paid. The advice now is to hold on to it until Rally Season.
Not much else to report. Going for an early night tonight.

Happiness

So had a crap day at work, seemed like the world was against me. But then it all turned with the news of a job interview. Yeah a Housing Officer position in Salford- A real proper permanent role!!! Whoooo. Bring it on. :o)

Job search

It seems that my career will always be on the move. I can't stand being on a low paid temporary job. It's exhausting trying not to worry about the future. Yes partly because of the financial situation but really that's not a major cause of stress. It is far more the fact that I am tired of filing and being treated like a skivvy. I want responsibility and have a bit more say about my workload. It'll happen. I have applied to be an Energy efficiency officer at the Council. Oh yes a complete long shot but miracles do happen. Maybe the world of work hasn't completely knocked out all of my enthusiasm.

On a more positive note I fullfilled one of my ultimate dreams of all time last Saturday. I danced with a man I'm in love with to a real life swing band, to one of my favourite swing tunes!!!!! Moon Dance as arranged by Michael Buble. And it wasn't just swaying, holding on to each other but proper jive. Dreams do come true. I loved it, loved being the centre of attention and showing off and feeling good about it. There is a secret actress within me! Romance isn't dead.

The Hilton

The scene- Three gorgeous girls aka Sally, Sonia and I- meet up outside the Hilton on a chilli Saturday night all dressed up- only to be turned away. The reason we weren't residents or had reservations. So if you want to get into Cloud 23 remember to book either a hotel or table....
The scenario continues though as we headed on to Manchester 235 a new bar around the corner only to be met with the question 'do you have photographic I.D with you?' At first we thought this was just sheer flattery. Considering our ages. But alas no it just turned out that what we thought was a mere bar is in fact a Casino.
So after the second entrance to a bar failed we ended up in Relish. A gorgeous little restaurant/bar. Then on to One Central Street.
A good night was had with just the girls, talking what girls talk about- boys, life, jobs the usual.

The rest of the weekend was fairly uneventful just chilling in the flat. Still looking for permanent work. Thinking of Christmas with slight panic. But as I always say- 'it'll be fine'

Fighting

I have awoken from my slumber and realised that nothing will change if I don't change the fact that I do very little talking to Jesus. A lot has happened in the last week but because of personal reasons I can't share them on the internet. Wouldn't be fair on those involved. But I do feel I need to share that Jesus is wooping my ass through my friends. I need to pray, pray and pray. That even in the dark hours we need to seek Jesus' help and he will come through. So what I'm saying that even me who is a terrible sinner and don't even know halve the time whether I believe in this whole Christianity thing anymore am beginning to realise again that the only place Jesus belongs is right at the centre of my life, before everything else. So come on Jesus take that rightful place in my heart. And if anyone has read anything exciting in the bible lately do let me know.....:o)

Mondays

Still thinking about what mistakes mean in our lives. One of Liz's friends wrote on her blog that she had been wasting time at work looking at random blogs, by clicking on the 'next blog' link. As I was bored I'd thought I'd do the same (as today seems to be never ending). After a lot of blogs in foreign languages and a 'Buy a Thai Bride' site I found one that had a great quote on it. Not sure who J J is but here it is

Mistakes are the portals of Discovery. J. J.

How very true? I have a very bad concept of mistakes. I hate making them and if I do make one it's like my world ends- complete overreaction on my part. I am good at accepting that other people make them and forgiving them for it- hey even expecting it of them. I hardly (never say never) think it's the end of the world for them. And so often I have given the advice that mistakes are opportunities. I just wish I could see it a bit more than that. So I'm mediating and mulling on the quote above.
The most obvious thought is that it is really true mistakes open up a part of your character, situation or personality that you had never thought about. New depth, new areas to discover what it means to be alive. And a new depth to your relationship with Jesus- a time again for him to break through in power. Please do Jesus.

This week

I can't believe it has been a week again since I last blogged. Not that that much has happened. I nearly sold the Vespa but not quite. Really getting quite desperate to sell it, but hey if no-one wants it not much I can do about it. Going to write little ads over the weekend and put it in shops around chorlton and see if there are any results.

I did have a bit of a brain wave and deep moment this week. One of those light bulb, realisation moments. There is no such thing as failure. Let me explain.....If you do happen to make a mistake or make a decision that in hindsight may have not been the best, your life doesn't suddenly stop. It doesn't suddenly slow down and you don't die from it. Every situation you face and every consequence of every decision you make actually teaches you something. You can't actually fail, all you can do is change direction, learn something new or try again. (Obviously this is not quite the same in math exams or such situation- I'm talking about failing in life- you can fail in them, but even then you can try again and again)
Mainly this thought came about when someone said that Canada may not work out and we may find ourselves back in England having failed. But I realised that that wouldn't really be failure just a different turn of events. Failure is something our very competitive society has put on us- the permanent striving to be better then someone else- the others- who are richer, better off etc then us. But life isn't about winning and failing it's about living. It's about enjoying every day with its ups and downs. It is a relief to know that I cannot fail at life but just learn to take a different road, go in a different direction. The seeming failure is merely an opportunity to try something new and what a privildge that is. I think I am finally learning to be a person who sees the glass halve full instead of halve empty.:o)

wonderful friends

This weekend has been full of reunions with some of my favourite people and now all with partners. Scary how much we have all grown up and changed. As Katy W said I think we would have all freaked out had someone said to us at the age of 21 that at 28 we would all go for a walk at a National Trust property with our boyfriends/fiance/husbands!! but how much fun and how much love there is.
Friday night Katy Bryan Craig and I went to see Evelyn Glennie at the Bridgewater Hall. She is a deaf solo percussionist. Not that you can tell she is deaf at all. Amazing musical broadening experience. She used her body as an instrument and flower pots!! Quite incredible.
Saturday was lunch with Fiona and Richard Mac, Laura Burton and Ric, Lorna and Craig. Brilliant fun including when the waitress dropped the vinegar bottle on the floor....:o)
Then off to Styal park and then bowling.

Now I have to say that we were all smashingly amazing at bowling. Not sure what happened there but for the first time in my life I scored more then 100. Has never ever happened before. Then off to the curry mile for a traditional, student day reminiscing curry. I can't remember the last time I was that happy. I thank them all for being there and for loving me and Craig so much and making the effort to come together from all over.

Here is to many more reunions and fun and laughter. Probably at my wedding !!! Can't wait....:o)

The ring

Yeah whooo the ring is back on my finger and it is gorgeous. Our new jeweller definitely knew is stuff better. Was beginning to miss it a lot so I'm glad it is back. Gives a bit more substance to when I'm telling people that I am engaged. It's funny that people do automatically look at your ring finger when you tell them, and when there is nothing on there you can see the thoughts ticking "yeah right she is!" it may just be a fleeting thought for most but you can tell it's there.

Other news is that finding a photographer we can afford is definitely harder then first thought. We'll get there.

Too much time to think

Today I had to sit in my car waiting for a gas man and an electrician from 8am-11.40am. I saw the rain come down, lightning and thunder and as I forgot to bring a book to read I had far to much time to think. I've realised more and more lately that over the past few years I have turned into a very negative person. I expect the worst of people, of myself, of situations etc. I can't seem to find when this kicked in or whether I have just always been like that but because you forget the bad stuff in your past you can't remember. Certainly my journals of 5-6 years ago are pretty negative too. The one thing I definitely was was more assertive. Where did it go? When someone does something that bugs me I don't feel like it would be right for me to stand up to myself. I never had that. Is that a Christian thing? Have I spent to look always wanting to be a servant and concentrating so hard on that that I have become a doormat for people? Too scared of becoming aggressive rather than assertive...mmm definitely had to much time to think............................. (PS this is only a rant)

Chilled weekends

Had one of those lovely weekends spent out and in just the right amount. Out on Friday night- was meant to be at a party but the venue was double booked so found ourselves at the Mint Lounge. Was ok. Saturday I spent most of the day asleep, at the stables and watching favourites like X factor strictly come dancing and Fear Factor- Couples reunion.

Went to St. Michaels on Sunday. I think I'll like that church. Congregation is a bit old and we sang Shine Jesus shine but the people are lovely.

Not much else to report.

Canadian Affairs

Back now from a wonderful week visiting the Ranch. It was suprisingly gorgeous weather. Hot hot hot I say. The trip was a meeting trip for Craig's parents and my parents. In true Ulrike style all things are done the intense way and to say that the week was intense is a bit of an underestatement!! Anyone who knows me well knows that I find going on holiday in groups very difficult and this was no exception. 6 people all trying to be compromising without voicing what they want to do that day!!!! But all in all it was great.
We managed to go to the most boring ranch ever. It's called the gang ranch which is the oldest ranch in B.C. and has been downsized to 1 million acres from 4 million!!! You'd think major tourist attraction but alas not really- there is not much there. But the drive there was worth it.
Also managed to get the parents in law on horses, which was good fun.
Craig has found a new love in Gucci- at last we found a horse he gets on with and is fast enough for him.
We have decided to move out there in the spring of 2008 for at least a year if not longer. Can't wait.

Pictures of the hols to follow.

28 today

Yes indeed I am a liar- sorry---- just wishful thinking really. Have had a lovely day so far. Spent the day at a Women's conference, all inspired now to follow my dreams, be more assertive take control. Goo' ol americans- I do love them so much for being the go getters that they are.


I now really have to go and pack- not done that as yet.

Ps: in my last blog where it says 'it wasn't my idea to live' I meant leave.....obviously.:o)

Hardcore Heaven

As one of my commentators would like to know my shennanigans of the weekend I thought I'd best update. Just to clarify it wasn't Happy Hardcore- A completely different genre of Hardcore house- faster. The one we went to is just Hardcore. And we didn't stay long. I hasten to add that that it wasn't my choice to live but Craig found it a little to hard. I loved it. But it's no good when the person you are with isn't having. So we joined Anthony and Sonja at Garlands and had a much better time. Left Liverpool at around 6.30am. I drove through the very thick fog back home and then spend the whole of Sunday in bed. Literally the whole of Sunday. I think I'm starting to get to old for it all.

Right off to work. And I've checked my birth certificate I'm really turning 27 not 28. Liz it looks like all this time I was a year younger then you. :o)

One week to go

Can't believe that I'm going to be 28 in a week. This year has gone so fast. I had a brilliant birthday last year but who knows what this one will bring. The day after my birthday I fly to Vancouver to see Mum and Dad. Can't wait. I've had a couple of shit days at work and getting very bored of this assistant malarky. Running theme in my life- boring jobs. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with people who just want to show you up please pass it on. I have this one lady at work who picks on all my little mistakes and instead of just telling me that I've made a mistake and what I should do to remedy it she makes a big drama out of them in front of the whole team. It's horrible. But yes I'm not assertive enough to stand up to myself. Going on an 8 week self help assertiveness course hopefully soon, which hopefully will help me get some techniques on how to deal with people without getting angry.

Other things that have happened in a week- Started jiving again-Hooray. Love it.
My sister came to visit and we went shopping at the Trafford Centre without me having a heart attack.
Sunday lunch with the Sherratt family and big sis. All rather lovely.

Amateur photography

So here are some of the photos from our night with Mr Rudd. What a talented guy. Unfortunately my videos and photos don't do him justice but hey I'm learning to use it.

Firstly the lovely Cate and Sal.

Now an attempt in adding a video. Bear with it.....

sorry didn't work. Not sure why. But I'm sure you'll forgive me for just putting up these two lovely ladies.
And one of the musical one man band genius.

Dinner guest

My parents sent me this photo which made me smile. The unusal dinner guests you get at the ranch!

On hold

I'm on hold with my bank terribly inconvenient this whole waiting business. Instead of getting frustrated mind I thought I'd update this site. Lots of fun has been had this week.
Firstly last sunday we went to see Xavier Rudd. That's Cate, Sally and I. Took a road trip to Liverpool and had great fun. He is amazing!!! Will endeavour to post some photos at some point.
Then I went to a gig at the Academy 3. Strange being in the Student's Union again without being a student. It was fun though. It has rather changed. We went to hear an unsigned band called The Reason. They were good. Very Oasis like.
So yes two gigs in one week. Very unlike me but good fun.
Today was good too. Went shopping with two of my bridesmaids Sally and Lorna. Took a while to find them dresses. It seems blue is the colour for shoes but not for dresses. But House of Fraser did not let us down. They are absolutely gorgeous. Just hope my sister fits into the one we bought her. :o)

It's been raining cats and dogs up here so didn't ride Kate. Still on hold can't believe this. Need to have a shower really as Craig is coming to pick me up in about 40 minutes.

Oh the Vespa didn't sell on ebay. So that was a bit of waste of time and money. No idea how I'm going to sell it now.

Ice cream sprinkles & Hammocks

Bank Holiday weekends are definitely about discovering yourself. Your talents, your strengths and weaknesses. So here is what I have discovered about myself so far. I'm no good at last minute change of plans. Especially when I'm trying to fit in shopping for shelves, horse riding and buying a car all in one day. The result is that I now have a Navy Blue 16 year old BMW 320i series. Brilliant to drive but drinks like a camel. Nearly drove into a post at the stables and damaged aforementioned BMW. And also came home with a baby blue hammock. Impulse buying to the max.

Then today I have discovered ice cream sprinkles. Easy to make: All you do is follow Delia Smith's recipe for Flapjacks with Jumbo Oats and leave them in the oven for too long. Voila the best crunchy ice cream sprinkles anyone can get.

Conclusion so far is 'I need more practice making Flapjacks' Anyone for ice cream?!

Bye Bye Charlie

I have now joined the world of ebay and listed my beloved Scooter. Just hope I get a bit of money for him. Hopefully enough to buy my car and save up for another Vespa. A bit of a smaller engined one this time. Let's see whether this ebay is going to be worth it.

Apart from this life is good. It's Bank holiday and I have three days off. Tomorrow is purchase day- shelves and car.
then Sunday is chill out and Xavier Rudd concert time. Monday as yet is not planned. But will probably be spent with Craig as I'm not really seeing him for the whole of this weekend. It's a spend time with our respective best friends time.

On the up

Last few days have been much better. A lot has been unchanged concerning jobs but still life does go on. Craig and I went to Derwent Valley on Sunday with Blue. It was gorgeous and ever so much fun. Especially the adrenaline ride along the snake pass. My mother would be horrified.

Am also in the process of purchasing a very old BMW 320i series. Oh yes, it's Navy Blue. Haven't actually driven it, totally going on trust. But it's Craig I'm trusting so that's ok.

The picture is us trying to re-create our silly photos we lost on the night we got engaged. It's at Derwent Valley taken with his phone!! I now want the same phone.

Update on the ring: It's been returned and we have commissioned an new jeweler :( so i don't get it back until mid to end September. Hopefully by my birthday.

A series of unfortunate events

It seems that the high stress levels in my life are just ain't ending. But praise the Lord through it all I have not had any major health or panic issues. Let me start on a positive note: BROADBAND IS BACK ON AT HOME. Yeah how exciting so I can actually journal a lot more frequently. Such a relieve but I'm still looking for a new internet provider as tiscali's customer service sucks.

Other news- The ring has now been returned. We got it back on Thursday but it looked rather hideous. He had obviously done it in a rush. The sapphire's were out of line and there was even a bit of fluff stuck in the clasp. Outrageous so Craig and I decided to ask for our money back and go to a different jeweller. But this jeweler is going away for 2 weeks at the beginning of September I'll probably won't have the ring until my birthday. I just hope I get it back before we fly out to Canada.

My contract with AWHA is soon to run out so could be facing no job.

Craig is not finding a lot of work- so he is very stressed out and I'm not sure how to help out.

Then my car was stolen on Friday- a financial and practical inconvenience I really don't need right now. I mean why..... So on the hunt again for new transport. Will have to sell Charlie! Very sad.

So all in all rather stressful to say the least.

But in it all I'm positive that things will work out.

Update

Couldn't think of an orginigal title but felt it was about time to update. We still don't have broadband at home so being extremely naughty and doing this at work. So yet another short one. Tiscali are bad, bad, bad. Lots of empty promises.

A few highlights of the last few days:

1. Seeing Katy W, Jen Marshall and my friend Jessie in London. (was only there for 1 1/2 days so couldn't fit everyone in)
2. Missing train stations because we were talking to much
3. Going to the chocolate Cafe in Richmond.
4. Having dinner at Brian's Katy's fella (who scarily is similar to Craig) and watching Con Air and laughing very very hard.
5. Seeing Craig after a few days of not seeing him.
6. Discovering that there is a J K Bennett store in Manchester. I love their dresses and accessories and as I can't afford anything from there for myself I'm hoping that my bridesmaids can be spoilt.
7. Discovering Katie Fleming's extremely amazing skills at doing Make Up and her willing to do mine at the wedding!!!


Dissapointments:
1. Loosing a saphire stone out of my engagement ring and it still not being fixed after nearly 2 weeks.

But that one got turned round by my man giving me a huge bunch of gorgeous flowers to make me smile.

London

Yeah I'm going to London this weekend to spend time with Katy W and hopefully Jessie from the states who I haven't seen for about 5 years.!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm ever so excited. Also going to go Underwear shopping for the wedding dress. Thought I splurge out to make me look even more stunning.:o)
This week has been alright. I'm trying to not winge to much these days. Everything happens for a reason.

Toby

Here is my baby Toby. Very sadly he has passed away. He was killed on the ranch by the tractor and Trailor. He was old but this is so not the way I wanted him to go. The reassurance is that he had the best dog life anyone could have provided for him. He was the boss, had a never ending source of wood to carry around and puddles to wade through, an endless supply of cuddles and plenty of food. I loved him very much and he will never ever be forgotten. He always was the best judge of my boyfriends and always there quietly in the background ready for any adventure. I can't begin to say how much I loved this dog.

Dangerous hobbies

so I got kicked by a horse called Taffy yesterday and don't even have a bruise to show for it. Bless her she was only trying to get a fly off her and got her knee into the side of my leg. Wasn't on purpose but it darn hurts!!!!
Apart from that this weekend has been very quiet, just what I needed. Went to St. Michael's in Flixton today where I'm getting married next year. It was quite good. The sermon hit the spot completely and it was great to take communion again.
Then I just chilled in our garden in the sun reading the paper. Sophie Mac came and visited our new flat. It was trez lovely to meet up with her and hear her mad stories of life as a small property tycoon.
Missing Craig and seeing him. Goodness I can't wait till next year. Got used to seeing him everyday. How soppy is that?!?!?
And congratulations to Marta she has finally thought about a date of her wedding. And it's only going to be about 3 weeks after mine. Crazy ladee.

Fallen in love

That's it I've been converted to the joys of little show ponies. For those of you who don't know anything about horses show ponies are bred to look pretty and shows are just competitions on their looks. I hate shows- they are pretentious and very snobby and you just win on looks. A bit like Crufts for dogs.... But Andrew bought a little silver welsh stallion called Storm who is nearly a year old. And we play chase in the indoor hall. I mean really like you see it in the movies he comes galloping up towards me and I run away, then he stops just dead in front of me and I then run after him. He floats like an angel. Beautiful and amazing fun. Please be reminded that he only comes up to my waste. Tonight we do it again. He is definitely my new found love in life.
Apart from that the news is that the honeymoon destination has been chosen-Mexico.
Loving living in the cottage with my boys.
Craig is the best cook and househusband. He even does my washing for me. I can' t wait till next year and the year after and the year after.
There are bad people out there though- He had a contract and the guys have just ended it. It sucks so if anyone needs a gasfire fitting please get in contact with me as I know a man who is Corgi registered and very good at what he does. He also does Landlord certificates and is very reliable.

Moving back to the flat tomorrow.

Horses

Andrew and Shelley are on holiday so I'm in charge of the beasts. I'm realising that just having one horse to muck out and ride is so much better then two. But I'm enjoying going to the stables more then twice a week. I was there Saturday and Sunday and back again tonight. Realised as I was standing underneath a cherry tree with Kate on Saturday that riding and the stables are really the only thing that truly de-stresses me. So on my next panic attack session I'm definitely heading straight up there.
I;m staying at Craig's for the week to be close to the stables in case of an emergency and so that I can just pop up to the stables at the end of an evening to check on them. It will also be certainly interesting to enjoy a whole week of daily routine with him. We have a lot to learn about each other. I'm glad though that he has a double bed in the spare room. Not allowed to get to used to the space. I now have two rooms.

New job

A running theme in my life i'm on my third day as housing assistant at Arawak Walton. So far so good. Bit boring at times at it is an admin role but it's what I was expecting. Bit early this morning so just upating my blog before work.
Craig and I made up since our little holiday in Ireland- no more needs to be said on the internet about that one. I just love him and us it's wonderful.
So I'm well and learning to grow up a bit and have a more resolute spirit within me- thanks J.

Church

So the last week has been hectic, hectic. We have moved into our little flat-not so little actually- it's gorgeous and relaxing. I actually enjoy spending time here. It's worth the extra money...:o)
Ireland was ok- it was lovely seeing my sister but not to say to much about it all it wasn't the relaxing holiday i was hoping for. But anyhow I'm sure it will all work out in the end.
Today I have started the search for a new church to go to. I went to St. Clement's just down the road from my flat. It was a high anglican church which I hadn't been to in years. It was a bit strange but God whooped my butt about my attitude towards church. I felt so welcome by them. It was a small gathering but so warm and welcoming. And how cool a church that is organising a Beer Festival. God really showed me that I have been critical towards his bride and how terrible that is. They have so much to offer it's incredible. I have lost my focus that it is all about Jesus and showing his love to people. So I think I may try out this whole congregation thing again, because if I'm honest i can't do my christian life without regular input. So no more critical spirit but loving the body of Christ. And no more living life away from older christians.

Beauty

Friends have finally convinced me to read Captivating by J and Stasi Elderidge (can't remember the guys name but he rode Wild at heart) and so far so good. It is awakening in me that realisation that it is good to be a woman. It is good to want to be beautiful inside and out. It's a lesson God taught me through Americans before and I think I have forgotten it a little. Feeling guilty for wanting to be feminine and wanting to follow fashion. I don't mean spending all my hard earned cash on thousands of shoes but enjoying clothes, make up. And also enjoying that feeling it can give you of feminity. And also enjoying and relishing in the fact that as a woman I oozes beauty from witin. Being reminded that beauty is two-fold inside and out.
My prayer for today is that all the women in my life enjoy God's investement in them and that their beauty is seen through spiritual eyes. That we would not be tempted to compare each other but rejoice in our uniqueness and beauty. That we would not be tempted to feel insecure or a lack of self worth but know that God himself has appointed us as co-heirs and beauties of creation. So you lovely ladies rejoice in all that is feminine for today. (I'm deliberately today leaving out the boys not because I don't love ya or you don't have an equal part to play but just because the ladies where on my heart this morning.)

Fun and happiness

What is true happiness you may ask- well I think it is being around people who just get you. It doesn't matter to them how good you are at your job, what you look like, how rich you or how sorted you feel with Jesus. I was reminded of this nugget of truth by two truly lovely evenings with Sally, Liz Wall and Ellie. The former was a trip to the good ol' city of Liverpool to dine with Liz Wall (looking ever so glamourous) and Sally. There were many laughs and conversation about our boys. I think we did shock ourselves a little on how grown up we all are with our rather grown up relationships!!!! All good honest fun.
Then a house night out with the girls to celebrate a good year at 2 Burdith. There have been tears, laughter and many strange concoctions when it comes to dinner. Thanks Elle to introducing me to the wonders of seeds....:o)
And to top it off I have quit work, only one week left!!! Whooooo. And then I become housing assistant at Arawak Walton. They actually want me back.....
Oh that is after travelling to Ireland to try on the wedding dress...........................

I got the rock

Yep I now officially have an engagement ring. It's gorgeous if a little bigger then I thought it would be. So may have it slightly altered. But loving it. Shame though that I have a job where I can't really wear a ring. I'm constantly in and out of hot water and dirty coffee grinds. I would hate to damage it.
Other news I'm once again applying for jobs how much fun is that not. But it's scary to think that this could be the pattern for a few more years, constant change. I'm so sick of it. Anyways.
I do feel a bit like I have not moved on from student days at all still stuck in this limbo of what to do with my life and where is it all going. I really have to stop striving and just put my trust in the Lord as he will provide all my needs.
So today I'm going to chat to my manager and give in my notice and temp in housing agencies. May even have a temporary job at Arawak Walton for three months. I'm letting the coffee shop idea definitely die.

World cup

I actually watched a whole match last night- well apart from the quick dash to the chinese. italy v Ghana. was quite fun actually and I was suprisingly entertained. The best bit was though when they showed the goaly praying and commentated on it. Excellent- good man.
Not looking forward to work today at all. I've realised me and money- to be more precise cashing up-really don't work. I'm dreading these next few weeks when my manager goes away on honeymoon. I have to do all this paperwork which I have been shown twice and is rather overwhelming. I don't get all this margin etc stuff. Maybe a good thing if I don't open my own shop.

Answer to Prayers

So my lovely man has got himself a new contract. He was getting rather stressed and finding things hard not having much work coming through. So I've been praying like mad for him to get a contract and on Friday Ellie and I prayed and about two hours later he got a phone call for a contract that will last about a year. I'm ever so chuffed at him.
I;m not so chuffed that he lost his camera which has all the photos of us on our engagement weekend. Rather sad. So I thought I'd just post an old photo I have of him. And just to point out the phone he is on he has lost as well. Silly silly.....:o)

PS

So I wanted to post a Vera wang dress- but alas it ain't working- probably best just in case Craig still reads my blog. But oh my goodness it's no wonder she is the best designer in the world. Her dresses are so gorgeous.

Loving the weather

How gorgeous is Manchester in the sun. Finished a long shift in the perfect way by riding Kate. She was a bit lame but now is fit as a fiddle again. Glad that one didn't last too long.
Work was dead quiet because of the weather and the England match so not exactly looking forward to this afternoon. I'm also handing in my notice today because my leg and foot just hurt to much from having a job where I stand and walk about most of the day. Especially after a 9.5 hour shift.
Forgot to say that I went to my first dress shopping excursion on Wednesday night. It was terrific fun if a little strange. It was all about me......weird.
Today I'm working again. Really sucks I actually feel like going to a church. I think that is the way forward for me and my walk with God. Not saying that it is particularly bad at the moment. I have grown in love with Jesus again over the last year like I haven't known in about 4 before that ever since Morning Star. I think the problem was that I had changed and wanted something like MS overhear but it just doesn't exist so instead of moving on having grieved for that realisation I just let it drift. But now I'm fighting again. As my reading this morning said- We are co-heirs with christ. How cool is that?
Anyways enough ramblings.

Fraud, flights and tension

isn't it scary to think that people can have access to your credit card so easily these days. Not lost it or had it stolen and it's taken a couple of months and numerous phone calls with various departments to sort it all out. But I think it now has. Finally. Well done Alison Gibbson at Barclaycard for being a star and actually understanding my concerns. Great work.
Still have a high bill for paying for flights for the in laws. They have paid me back but I'm spending money that I don't have. argh tension tension tension.
Bring on girlie prayer next week.

It's been a while

To long has there been silence on this blog. Not that that much has happened really since I last blogged. Life pretty much exists of work, work, sleep and seeing Craig and my housemates briefly. It sucks. Every decision to see people hangs around which shifts I'm doing the next day.
I do have to say I had a wonderful time with Mr and Mrs Riley last week. Craig and I trapsed down to Macclesfield (suprisingly close) to have dinner with the beautiful people. Discovered that Richard likes House music in particularly trance!!! Dark horse. And whooo it means Craig and he have something in common. Always like that. So thanks Riley's you are truly amazing.
Apart from that I'm job hunting. After breaking down over the phone on Sunday after an 11 hour shift it is really serious. I'm in danger of getting to the point I got to last summer and no way am I risking my health again for a job. Especially one that doesn't really manage to cover my living expenses.

PS: The fish tank feels empty.

The fish are both dead now.

No more pets at my house. Now here is something I have not done in ages and that's read into something naturally as a message from God. But I feel that their death is quite significant. It's like the last 2 years of depression, thoughts of death and suicide should now pass and in their place there are just space. And I don't even feel like I'm reading to much into the death of my goldfish.

An added note

I can so relate:

Updates

I am exhausted. What's new there? It was definitely Nancy who died and Frank is on his last legs, I hate seeing him suffer but at the same time I can't kill a fish.... It's a horrible situation.

I want it to end.
Please Jesus heal him or let him die quickly.

A moment of reflection please

Please hold a moment of reflection (don't waste a whole minute) for one of my dead fish. It was a well loved pet. Yep found it dead as a doddo this morning and had to flush it down the toilet. Much to the dissaproval of my husband to be, as he wanted to give it a proper funeral but I didn't want to leave a dead fish in the tank for 9 hours.
Now I'm saying 'it' not because my fish have no names but because I'm not sure which one died. I assumed it was Frank, but now looking closer at the one that is still alive (just about) really looks more like Frank. Now please don't think I'm a bad pet owner for not knowing the difference I could only tell the difference because Nancy was smaller, as they looked so similar. And now that there is one missing I can't compare. I do feel rather bad. Sally D will know she was also so much better at telling the difference. But it's a sad occassion whoever died.
And just one rant more I had someone at Badenoch and Clarke actually say to me that I have no experience in Housing. They obviously didn't read my C.V properly what kind of recruitment agency is that!?!?!? I did send her a bit of a sarcy email back, thanking her for showing me that my C.V obviously doesn't state it clearly enough. (Bearing in mind that it has the words Arawak Walton Housing Association, and Freedom Properties in bold with dates in it.- bit of a dead give away really) Anywho- I should be gettting a nap right now rather then checking emails and generally surfing the internet. So best be off.

Frank's dying

My goldfish Frank is sick. What do you do with sick goldfish? I have changed the water and I'm hoping that he wil be ok by the end of the day. Please Lord heal Frank. I like having fish.
Things are a bit hard at the moment on the job front. I do wish I had more of a clear desire when it comes to careers. The job at Nero's is just exhausting me completely which doesn't help having a positive outlook on life.

Weird rotas

I really don't understand our rota system at work. I have had Saturday off then worked sunday and had today off. And now I'm on for 5 days. It seems silly. I really want a different job and soon.
The Vespa is now fixed but I'm a bit scared to ride it in this weather. It wa ss a bit of a mad idea to buy a scooter in this country especially on my wage. I could do with being able to afford a car and the Vespa at the same time. So if anyone out there would like to give me a car, that would be smashing :o) Also found out that the guy who sold it to me is a bit of a geezer, he gave me a tax disc which I thought was all right. But Craig looked at it today when we tried to fix it on the bike just to discover that it is actually out of date. Life hey it throws some funny things at ya.
It is actually 8.30pm now and I'm ready for bed as I have an early start tomorrow.
As for the quiet times they have not happened over the last couple of days, need to pray more again.

4 days in...

I'm still engaged...;o) Going ring shopping today and I am dead excited. Last night went out for a couple of drinks with a few close girls and it was such good fun to catch up with them. There are so many thoughts and emotions running around inside of me at the moment it's terrbibly crazy. I think my main concern is that in all the wedding planning I'll forget to focus on actually thinking about marriage. I so want the day to be amazing but I don't want to loose my focus on what is to follow. And how do you prepare yourself best for such an adventure as life long marriage?! If I think about how much I have changed in the last 27 years, I can't imagine what I'll be like in another 27. I think even though that thought can be a bit terrifying there is a real positive about it. In 27 years I will know my husband inside and out and he me, I will be able to have someone there who has closely watched the good and the ugly. I'm hoping and praying that in 27 years we will be more in love with each other then now, that we will know others in a deeper way and that we will both be at peace with Jesus.

On another note I have decided to make my blog a bit of a place of thinking about Jesus as well as just updates so excuse if I ramble, but hey it's my blog, its purpose is really to keep me a bit more accountable to actually having quiet times with him. This morning I did and I read a passage in http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:27-12:11;&version=31;; A simple passage really, but what hit me was how Jesus handled the way the Pharisees wanted him to defend his identity and his actions. He didn't get all defensive but came back with a question. A question which actually meant that he was saying "What right do you have to question my identity and my actions" It blew me over because that is not how I react when people question my relationship with Jesus or my actions (godly ones obviously). But I should far more respond in that way, because I know who I am in Jesus and I know what he wants from me. Our identity as Christians is so safe that we can have the same attitude to doubters of our identity. In Jesus I have a cornerstone who I don't have to defend. So this morning I also thought that that goes a bit further, in that it helps us move on from fears. If we know our identity and have our security in Jesus we can truly move on rather then returning to insecurities and fears. What amazing freedom we have.

How can I say this.........

I AM ENGAGED>................ It sunk in today I'm really engaged all official getting married to the most wonderful man ever. and I say that with all awareness of the good and the bad. Liz Wall is in trouble as she posted the news before I did on her blog... but of course as I love her dearly she is forgiven.

So here is how it happened. He got on one knee on a jetty overlooking Coniston lake on Saturday evening. It was so completely romantic. We then had a lovely dinner at the Sun Hotel with free sparkling wine-we both don't like Champagne so they picked well. I still feel rather giddy. Going ring shopping on Thursday. Will be in a year's time not set an exact date as yet.

Did scare myself rather by buying a Bride magazine- there is so much to organize and think about............. I'm so glad he and I are pretty down to earth and are aware that it's not just about the wedding day. Phew.

I'm sorry if people find this out over my blog rather then in person. Please forgive.

Found this

Whilst trying to find out constructive information about how to attach a tax disc holder to Charlie I found this instead. I wonder if I could ride like that?!http://www.biscl.com/downloads/taxi.wmv

Invalid

So it's still difficult to walk, sit, stand. About the only thing that feels comfortable right now is lying down. Woke up this morning thinking it was about 10 or 11am, actually wishing it was that. But instead it was 8am. I'm waiting for the post and then going back to bed, I feel that that is a better option then sitting in front of the telly. I really wish I had a box set of Desperate housewives or something like that. Probably just end up watching re-runs all morning. It's great to be off work but I can't really do anything energetic or walk anywhere.... Frustrating.
Had a good read of the Bible this morning. Mark, where Jesus kind a implies that he is Elijah and heals a boy of a demon. Made me think how little healing I have seen in my day and I am reminded that it is about prayer and faith. Working on the prayer bit at the moment and just trying to pray with anyone who is around rather then relying on organised events. God please speak a little bit more clearly to us all. Faith- to believe and hope in the unseen and the not yet.

It's official

Yes I am now officially a biker! I came off the scooter yesterday- I am amazed how unshocked I have been by the whole scenario. I think mainly because I came away with only a few scrapes and bruises. Walking is a little difficult and the lesson has been learnt- never, ever ride without a helmet or without gloves no matter what the weather. Not sure if I'll have the courage to get on the bike once I can walk better again- the right knee took quite a bashing but it's just bruising-but I think I should.
Charlie is ok, his breakpads had worn out and in the heat of yesterday they expanded and the front wheel locked making the bike unbalanced. Praise the Lord it happened just as I was pulling off at a traffic lights so not going more then 0.5 mph. Some very lovely builder guys stopped, put the bike in their van and drove me home. Charlie has some scrapes on his left side too and will probably be road worthy again in about a week. Anyone want to buy a Vespa?!
only kidding- or am I?
All a process of learning, I think God is really wanting to teach me vulnerability at the moment and learning to ask for help- so thank you Marta for driving me around yesterday and today. Very very much appreciated.
Going out limping tonight should be an experience.......................

What a day

How many adventures can you pack into one day:
1. Walking out of my door to a fire! I want to move. Yep some idiots had set a bin on fire on a road which our road comes off on. But right by a house. So set of to work having called the fire brigade.
2. Riding down Oxford road on my scooter in the middle of the day- how scary:o)
3. Finding a sticker on my bike at the end of the day offering to buy my scooter.
4. Breaking down on the scotter because I had not put oil in it!!! D'oh and then not being able to restart it, crying and Craig coming to the rescue.
5. A lovely tea in Craig's new garden enjoying the sun, really not wanting to go home- I want to live in a house like that!
6. Riding home at night for 20 min.

I am now exhausted and ready for bed. thinking of a change of career again, this shift work is killing me.

Happy Motoring

So here is Charlie. I have now had the joy of riding him for two days. Mind it takes me about 20 min to kick start him! Should have really investigated all this a lot more- but those who know me know that I like the deep end...;o)

Good days

Since Wednesday things have improved. So thank you for all those who have prayed, really, really appreciate it. Went to see a lady called Irene for a bit of a healing/prayer time. It was great to hear and be reminded about the bigger picture and that my times with Jesus are ever so precious and to be protected. The big message of the night was to stop striving and worrying too much. A hardchange but one that I really want to see in me. Friday was then obviously the first challenge. Lost £25 in the tills in Nero and it makes it look like I stole it or another shift leader. So had a bit of a panic about that but my area manager was actually ok about it. So a lesson in not worrying.
Then Victoria and I went on a road trip down south to start the journey to Wadhurst for Emily and Jono's wedding. It was a beautiful day and a brilliant time of worship during the service. Completely amazing. The reception was great to and I spent time with the lovely Poppy. Have to say sleeping babies are such good therapy.
That brings us to today. And what a day it has been. Welcome to Charlie. Haven't taken a photo yet but it is a coming. Yes Charlie is my black Vespa. It is tres cool. I do think that Baz who sold it to me and Craig did think I was just a little crazy to attempt to drive it home for 30 min. Prolonged by my boyfriend not having a clue as to how to get back from Dunkinfield.
Please do take a moment and imagine the picture. Girl on black Vespa (not stalling once) thinking she is doing 30mph but in fact is doing about 25mph, behind an Audi A4 with two England flags going round in circles in Dunkinfield. Adding rain and cold to the picture..........
I leave you with that thought.:o)

5 days in

So I'm now 5 days into an 8 hour in a row stint at work. How unbiblical is that? I guess though we do lots of unbiblical things all the time like not offering up two doves at the end of our periods. Sorry feeling rather synical about the God thing at the moment. Had an awesome night with it on Monday and really felt God's presence praying with Sally D. So Tuesday day time was brilliant because I felt at peace with God and a sense that all things are possible. But then I slipped up again last night. I just want sex so badly. Should I admit that on the internet? Yes because I guess it is a plea for prayer from those who do actually read my blog. In all honesty it confuses me that this loving God of ours has designed us to want it so bad but then said wait till your married. I mean where is the off switch................(I know the answer-Holy spirit and self control- what if you find it hard to even see the Holy Spirit in your life?)
Anyways enough of the ramblings.
Got a pay rise at work!!!! Bit of a joke instead of £5.35 I know get a whole 50p more. And have to work 5 hours more. The joys and once again I'm working in a disgustingly dirty environment, why do employers never care about your health and safety?

Changes and more changes

A whole week and two days have passed since my last blog- how disgraceful.....
It's been an up and down week. Currently on an eight day week just so I can have this following weekend off. Starting to get me down this whole no benefits and constant shift pattern change. I have moved stores now to Oxford road right in the heart of student ville. Very different. The current manager is only there for another week. I find myself again as an assistant manager which is just suck a sucky role really because your kind of the dogs body without the main responsibilities so you can't really make changes of your own back.
But then again was praying about this last night and God really showed me that most of the situations I'm finding myself in at the moment are his tools to teach me to be and stay assertive to trust in my own decision making abilities. Where working at Freedom really destroyed that ability in me everything now is starting to build it up. I guess I had to be totally broken in it all and then to have it rebuilt my the good Lord. To understand that nearly everything is a journey and that I can't change overnight and can't change things overnight. To chill out and trust in Jesus that he is in control and that there is no condemnation for those who love him and that I am good at making decisions. And also to learn how to manage conflict. All these lessons all these changes.

Vespa baby

So it's official I am now the owner of a 1990 black Vespa 125cc. I get to collect it in 10 days. I paid the guy in Asda car park- I felt like a right wheeler dealer!
That's about the most exciting thing that has happened over the last few days. Over easter I just seemed to be at work constantly. I have now got two days off which is great.
Easter Sunday was a bit different from the rest Craig and I went to a pub near Lymm called the Barn Owl. Right by a canal and I did the classic British thing of insisting on just wearing a T-Shirt and Denim jacket sitting in the sun. Now that does sound idyllic and lovely but one has to remember it's april and not that warm as yet, especially as it was windy. But hey it was in the sun.
Re-watched Lord of the Rings last night- it is still an amazing film and story even after the 6th time of watching it.
Only a week left and I should be going to Oxford Road and getting a pay rise. (Now please no-one get to excitied about the latter as it will only be about 40p a minute) I'm seriously considering writing a novel about working in Britian in minimum wage jobs feeling exploited. It's disgraceful when there are articles after articles in magazines & papers telling us that there is a shift in the employment market to encourage a good life/work balance. What a joke- Nero certainly hasn't heard of that one. What good is a day off when you have zero money- I know let's encourage everyone to get into debt..... Anyway I would apologise for the ramble but it's my blog so I won't. Well done if you have read this far- I would say that I get you a prize but maybe after my third pay rise.;)

Easter Weekend

So I'm working every day over Easter. It sucks and more to the point it sucks that I have not really properly complained about it to my manager. I hinted at it, but that obviously didn't work as much. Had a really hard day yesterday at work. For about 3 hours from when I arrived it was dead and there were 5 of us on. Granted two trainees but nevertheless we had lots of spare bodies who had no idea what to do. Then when it was only 2 of us the preverbial S**t hit the fan. Wasn't out there until 7.15pm on a bank holiday....crazy. And the customers just didn't believe us when we said we close at 6pm. At least the next few days I'm always on an early so at least I get the rest of the afternoon to myself. Realising it is going to take time for me to change into a more decisive, assertive person. Or should I say change back to being that person who knows what they want and when. Because looking back through my journals I definitely was that person at one point.

Money, money, money

I like it when I have money but when I don't it sucks a little, especially when I want around £67,000! Yep that's how much is needed to buy my favourite cafe in Manchester. Funny I can trust God for a tenner but more then that and I can't quite see how he's going to do it this time. But faith is telling me to just trust in my heavenly Dad that he knows best. So I'm working on three career strands- 1) my own unit from scratch 2) going to lenders for an established business and 3) shining at Caffe Nero as management material. I figure one door will open.

On another note I'm learning to be more assertive which is actually funner than I thought it could ever be. Big fear is that I'll turn into bossy, bitch from hell. But I don't think that is realisitcally going to happen. I did rather well with one of my colleagues yesterday. Poor Craig he is going to get the brunt of it. Get the impression though that it will improve our relationship if I speak up a bit more about what I want to do. I guess that's true in all areas of life.

Welcome Brian

Today has been a great day. Woke up and realised that life is really good and all my negative thinking has to stop and there were several occassions were I managed to fight of the negative thinking habits that have become such a bad habit. Whooooo victory.
I did hurt my thumb- I split a nail. Now before anyone thinks that's not so bad it was down to the part where the nail attaches to the skin. There was blood and everything........
On a lighter note had lunch and coffee today with some of my favourite people in the entire world and I'm gutted that I forgot my camera. There was Laura Burton, Fiona Mcintosh, Katy Wareham, Craig and Katy's new boyfriend Brian. Who I have to say seems extremely lovely and seems very much in love with my good friend Katy. I love these guys and I don't think I have laughed as much as today for a long time. So thank you my wonderful friends for making me smile and I am just so sorry that I don't keep in more face to face contact with you.

Tonight it is party time with some new friends I have gained through Craig. Equally lovely and fun to be around. Club V here we come.

Dinner with a stranger

So I have managed to read a christian book that actually inspired me. It almost made me cry at work. Very profound. It's about someone who gets an invite to dinner with Jesus. Jesus answers his questions and explains to him that faith in Jesus is all about trusting in him not our works. Goodness how work orientated have I become?! I haven't let Jesus just hang out with me for ages. So I sat there in my break inviting him in again to come and have dinner with me. I don't feel much different as yet apart from a sense that Jesus is there, and all he wants to do is love me, hang out with me and start showing me again how exciting it can be to follow him. Not religion but a relationship.
I recommend anyone to read it. It's only short. By a guy called David Gregory and is called Dinner with a perfect stranger. Remember Jesus is always there desperate to hang out with us and chat. So well I'm starting to talk and listen.

Girly drinks

So had to go into work to deep clean the store. Wasn't that bad. Still feel though like I need about three days sleep and it didn't help me feel like I had a day off at all. At least I don't have to be in work until 1.30pm today.
After work I went to catch up with the lovely Miss Marta Ciesla. We took Taff for a short walk and then went to House at Home her local pub. It's literally opposite her flat it's great. So we sat there discussing boyfriends, potential mother in laws, babys, God, health and numerous other things. It was great fun and made me really appreciate having a friend like her. Stayed a little longer then planned but it was worth it. Finding it really hard not to have set working pattern. Sounds crazy because when I was in 9-5pm everyday Monday to Friday all I wanted was out of that pattern. I think the main problem is not so much the hours but the fact that we only ever have the rota for a week about two days in advance of that week. So from Monday- Thursday you can't plan for next week and then when you do have your shifts everyone else has planned different things. I'm sure this is a lesson in assertiveness because unless I say something to my Manager about it it will eat me up inside.

Update

Again a few days since I have written. Today I did halve a day of CBT. A clutch and gear bike is harder then I thought to ride and so wasn't safe to go on the road so have to fork out more money for another day. At least it's not the full price again. Finding it all rather hard in my attempt to be good at everything first time round. Crazy how I attempt that it just stresses me out. Now I suddenly have a few hours to spare and not sure what to do with myself. Working ina coffee shop is great but what sucks are the hours and the wage. Why can't shift rotas be done at least two weeks in advance. At that place again where I feel rather overwhelmed with life and all the things I have to do and be to so many people. Bit of a rant but hey. I'm trying to see all experiences as a positive rather then a negative thing, but that's harder then it seems, so if anyone out there has any tips let me know.

New Toy

Not so sad is what I'll be replacing her with..... A Vespa oh yes finally the dream comes true, I on a scooter!!!!! Can't wait. Doing my CBT next week. BRING IT ON. Anyone is welcome to ask the Big Dad for Baby Blue, LX 125 4T preferably under 5 years old.

Sale of a reliable friend

Well it's the end of yet another era. Granted this car has only been with me for 1 year but due to financial changes and changes in commuting style it has to go. So here is a photo to remind myself of my lovely BABY BLUE Fiat Punto.
She will be missed. She is now in Auto Trader on the web and magazine. So anyone out there looking to buy a little run around let me know. She has low mileage and I'll even get her valletted!

A couple more....

and then there is English Bay in Vancouver and my Dad's birthday cake.

Canada

At last I have had time to download my photos not that there are many. I think I am the laziest photographer ever. Must take the camera with me more often. Well here are a couple of ones. Of my dad and the tractor blowing snow, my dog Toby and my sister and Chicco on my Dad's birthday ride out.

Weekend

My first two store closes went well. Nothing set on fire and the tills weren't to out. Praise the Lord. All rather nerve racking but a growing experience me thinks. A bit shattered it's amazing how tired you can just get from responsibility and new challenges.
Went to the horse for the first time since coming back and typically after a lovely, dry and warm day the moment I arrive at the stables it's pouring down. Ah well we need the rain.

Fear

Sacrificed the putting on of photos for a bit of a lie in. Not completely over my jet lag so feeling rather tired. I'm running my own close down shift of the store this afternoon. Very very scared it's put complete fear in me. Asking myself the question of why I just can't see my full potential but everyone else seems to be able to trust my abilities. This feeling of self-worthlessness sucks and I want rid of it. So you christian mates of mine please pray for God to help me beat this horrible feeling and realise my full potential and my capabilities. I need his strength today masses. Thanks.
Will update on here how it went.
Worst nightmares are Fire, the coffee machine breaking down and me being in there until about 9pm tonight counting money........

Home coming

I'm home. After a rather long journey back I am now back in my own living room suffering from jet lag and complete fatigue. Did go to my bed for a couple of hours but decided it may be best to try and stay awake till later to get back into English time rythmn.
Overall it has been a lovely week, especially catching up with my sister and listening to her many stories about jet another job hunt. At least she may end up closer to England so that's great news.
I will endevour to put some photos on here of my holiday but it may take some days for them to appear.

I'm Italian

Wooooo I always knew there was a reason for my fascination with all things Italian, apparently we have Italian ancestory---ok ok so that doesn't make me Italian, but one can always dream. Found this little gem out from my Dad on his birthday. Apparently some Italian Great Great Great Grandfather had an argument with the Italian Royalty and was chucked out so fled to Portugal- and from there went to Brazil. No wonder we all like travelling so much.
Yet another suprise for my Dad was staged yesterday, we went to the local pub called the Iron Horse and my Mum had invited a few of his friends along as well, which he didn't know about. So all in all I think he had a great Birthday.
I don't think I have ever eaten as much in one day as I did yesterday. All things wonderful, egg, sausages, salmon, herring, Steak Tartar, bread, Nutella, steak, shrimps etc etc. I even baked the birthday cake and it didn't turn out to be a disaster.
It's still freezing here and there is still snow- in fact it is snowing once again as I speak. Not much else to report. I just can't believe it's Thursday already.

Learn from little children

Wanted to record the following conversation; The scene has the following characters: 1 young girl about 10 and two air hostesses: Place- on board the KLM flight during the Duty Free rounds:
Girl: "I want a diamond ring"
Air hostess: "Do you have the money"
Girl: " No, but I'll just go and asked my Dad"
The faith, the question brilliant. She didn't get a diamond ring but I just loved the way she had the guts to just go and ask. You never know..................unless you ask.

I love Broadband

Ok so I wrote this really long entry to update the last few days- lots has happened- but because my parents don't have Broadband it didn't publish. Frustrating, frustrating, frustrating. So have to put this in brief. Left early morning on Sunday morning and arrived without problems, apart from the fact that I managed to read my book from beginning to end. It was reserved for the whole week.Suprised my Dad no end- there were tears. He thought I was a guest called Ernst he had been emailing. (obviously a set up email account)Spent the evening with Oria, the next day with my parents and then picked up my sister and Anna Watson who were on the same flight from London without me knowing or them knowing......Good car journey up to the ranch with moonlit mountains capped in snow.Snow here is in parts up to my hips.Already rode this morning, played with the dogs, watched a DVD and ate doughnuts. A true holiday.

My name is Ernst

It's Tuesday out here and after two days I am now back home on the Ranch. Suprising Dad at the airport was brilliant fun. Oria was there to meet me to. Mum and the helpers had created an imaginary guest, including email correspondence, called Ernst. Unfortunately because Immigration seem to have a problem with me it took two hours for me to actually get outside the Baggage area, after landing. Therefore Mum had to go and tell my Dad that 'Ernst' was really me and that I was a bit delayed and they hoped that I had actually got on the plane! He was all confused and yes there were tears in his eyes when he saw me. Great fun and very, very special.
Then Oria, parents and I went to Granville Island ate ice cream had a late lunch. I stayed at Oria's for the night. We went for a drink in the pub near her appartment and had lovely cheesecake. I managed to stay awake until 8.30pm but then sleep overtook me. Monday all four of us had breakfast together and then my parents and I went to Stanley Park for a little walk and drive. I love Manchester but have decided that it really needs an equivalent to Stanley Park. I wonder if one could build something like it?!
Then went to Staples and had lunch.( Not in Staples obviously) As Oria was picking up Anna Watson from the airport we picked her up after work and we all went to Ikea on the way to the airport. Yes Anna and I completely didn't register that she was also coming to Vancouver a day after I arrived. Strange........:o)
We picked up my sister without a hitch and then it was a straight run home. I managed to sleep a bit in the car and therefore missed most of the journey. But I'm glad I was awake for the mountains. It was full moon so the sky was lit up and you could see the snow on the mountains on the Highway. Completely beautiful.
I was the one to open the gate to the ranch and as I got out realised that there was a snow mountain up to my hips next to me. I'm glad to say that not everywhere on the ranch the snow is that high but pretty much on the fields it is at least a few inches above my knees. Crazy. It's snowing again now. (only a little bit mind but enough)
Today was just a lazy day with a quick ride and then helping unload the 26 pillows and duvets we bought at IKEA. Yes we did look a bit crazy with three trolley loads full of them.
Now I'm a bit lost as to what to do. Really we should bake Dad's birthday cake but the last time I baked here it was a bit of a disaster, so not wanting to repeat that one. Instead I have hidden away at the computer. Also I managed to read the book I had taken for the week on the plane. And yes I hadn't started it yet. They weren't showing a great movie so I managed to avoid getting bored and very frustrated by getting stuck into the book.

Thoughts

Here are some of the things that made my mind boggle today:
1. Why are shared ownership schemes so expensive are there any first time buyers out there that can actually afford them? I mean they are the people they are meant to help.
2. Why do some men not adhere to the rule that a man should never tell a girl what to eat or discuss her eating habits and tell her that she maybe in danger of getting to fat (yes Portugese man actually did that to me...)
3. Why would I want foundation that makes me look younger? I already look like I'm about 18 when in fact I'm 27. - Lady in Body Shop tried to sell me that kind of foundation......:o)
4. Who lives happily on Caffe Nero salaries and doesn't get themselves into debt fast?
5. Why are rents almost as expensive as mortgages but you don't have to go to a bank to have it approved?

These are all merely rhetorically questions floating about in my head as I ponder life and some of the rather scary decisions facing me at the moment. Not problems as such just life's little questions I can never seem to answer.

Some of the things I have avoided doing today:
1. Packing for Canada.
2. Sorting out my paperwork so I can claim working tax credit.
3. Phoning the owner of Loyds cafe to find out whether he still wants to sell.

Instead I have had a makeover at the Body Shop, fell in love with a Bag in a new cool 50's kitsch shop, gone food shopping and had a home made Macciato.

I think the spoiling myself rotten and doing important things balance has gone a bit out.

Racism

So this guy today did my head in. I have two days training at Caffe Nero; one thing I love about Caffe Nero is that it employes lots of different nationalities, so my training possee are made up of 2 Brits (4 if you include the trainer and me), 1 Czech girl, 1 Polish, 1 Italian and 1 Portugese guy. As people know I love different cultures and countries and I love being German/British. I love both the country of my birth and the country of my passport. And I don't get offended easily when people make fun of the Brits or the Germans but today I really had my patience tested. I call it educated, undercover racism. You know not the kind where people just blatantly say they hate a country/a person of a country but a subtle criticism of a country and it's people tarnishing every single person of said country with one brush. So according to the Portugese guy all Brits are thick, the British education system is rubbish, the Portugese and German systems superior and no Brit knows anything about any other country in the world. Oh he made me mad. I mean why move to a country when you don't like the weather, the people, the education system, the economy- well pretty much everything about !? I said as much to him, rather articulately setting him straight that those kind of statements are rather stupid. I don't think I have ever been that offended before. I mean yeah I have met people who have made fun of both my cultures and complained about the British weather or made comparisons between the two education systems, but something in the way he said all the things set me off in a rage inside. I think it showed and I don't think I was the only person who felt it. All got rather deep and tense. The thing is I have another training day with this guy tomorrow and I'm not sure whether I can be as articulate tomorrow as I was today.
Made me think of what racism is though. I always thought of it as only when people outrightly slag off a country or it is just against blacks, asians- in other words minority groups. But I'm beginning to think about the fact that it can be so much more subtle and be between all groups that we see as different to us. I know that there are things that I prefer about Germany but it works vice versa. Also made me realise how easily I can make sweeping statements about a country and how wrong that is. No one German/Brit/Italian is the same as another. There are so many regional variances in every country I have ever visited and as for education systems...... No two people's experience is the same. I know Germans who couldn't care less about learning foreign languages or ever visiting another country as in the same way I know Brits who speak 2-3 languages and love to travel.
In conclusion I hate racism in all it's forms and general sweeping comments. They are just so wrong and arrogant. It's a note to self to try and avoid making those statements as I know I am guilty of doing myself.

Time Flies

Once again I am starting my blog by realising that it has been over three days since the last update. I have now changed stores to what is known as Deansgate 2. After two shifts I'm beginning to think that I really like it a lot better. Apart from the slight hitch that my shift leader with the keys was 20 minutes late this morning. People you should try it- stand outside a Caffe Nero at 6.30am in the rain- the looks you get are hilarious. I'm sure everyone was thinking: "now that girl is a true coffee addict" Mind no-one came to enlighten me of the fact that it doesn't open until 7am! By the time I got the buddy keys from another store and a float and the alarm code (not that I would have known where the alarm is!) Joe had arrived. A rather stressful start to the day, but in some ways really good fun.
We get lots of business men in the store which is quite hilarious. The thought crossed my mind tonight that I am probably one of the highest educated Baristas around. I bet some of them think of us as 'just coffee shop employees'. I don't mind at all, it's kind a fun, almost like having a secret identity, any moment now I can reveal that I have a University Degree and I'm doing this job because I love serving coffee, and the feeling of constantly finishing tasks. It's brilliant. No ongoing projects, just open the store, serve people, close store. So me, it's great.

Ok that was a bit of a brain splurge not really an update of what I have been up to. Saturday I went to the stables before my shift and then Sally D and I went for a drink afterwards in Chorlton. And then went home and chatted, laughed and drunk some wine. I did an open shift on Sunday. Sunday afternoon was spent pretending that it was summer (the sun was out!!!) and a lovely lunch with Craig. And then back to his for a DVD. Crash- only got to watch halve of it because of a scratched DVD. So no-one tell me the ending or the middle!!!
Monday morning was really good fun. Blue came to the stables with me in his new Dryazabone wax jacket. Dead cute. And even cuter was him trying to catch Snowflakes as they were falling. Kate wasn't so keen on him but he is getting rather intrigued by her.
Last night didn't do much apart from go to bed early. Another open for me tomorrow. The fun the fun. Off to Canada on the weekend, trez exciting.

Beer & Spontaneity

There is something very satisfying when you crave something and that craving is fulfilled. At the end of a rather quiet shift at Caffe Nero I really wanted to go to the pub for a beer. I can only actually manage 1/2 pint. Not because I get tipsy after it but I feel sick after to much beer ( I am a self professed lightweight, but in this instance that is not the reason). But 1/2 pint in an evening is just the right amount. I had a major dilemma though, Craig had said that he is going out with the lads; unable to get hold of Sally D because of a lack of phone ( and no-one was at my house to pick up the landline) and everyone else I know is married, so difficult to get them to be spontaneous for rather cute reasons called babies, or people tend to be so busy that spontaneity is difficult. However much to my suprise Mr Sherratt came to pick me up after work because it was cold and then it turned out that he wasn't going out with the lads, so when I mentioned the above desire he was well up for a quiet, quick drink before bedtime. Perfect. ( Now please no-one think that I in anyway I mind Craig going out for a drink with the lads on the contrary I think it is good, but just on this one occassion it made my night that he was free and ever the spontaneous partner in crime). A lovely time was had chatting over Erdinger Weissbier in The Bar in Chorlton, not quite by the real fire but close enough.
We had our first joint wedding invitation from the lovely Claire B and Anthony. Very exciting. Life is ever so good at the moment. Evenings like last night, days like today when all the roomies are at home and I can just drive to Chorlton and do a few chores in the sun. This is what life is all about. :o)

Changes

A few rather good things have happened in the last 24 hours. Firstly I went to Macclessfield to have tea with the wonderful Lorna and Richard Riley in their rather large new house. They can't really claim to live in Macclesfield it's in the flipping country side, it has a field next to it!!! Beautiful family home. Did make me wonder exactly how many children they are planning to have?! It was rather fun though seeing them and catching up. Many more trips planned down that way.
Then today I did an early shift and it was fairly quiet. But I'm now starting at the second Deansgate store. Gavin the manager has been really keen to transfer me over there and get me trained up better. Wasn't getting the training really and it was getting to the point where I was about to say something and then this opportunity has arisen. The other great thing about it is that this store finishes earlier as well so you are out by 7.30pm when you do a close. Much, much better. Still not much further with my own store plans, but getting there. I also don't feel as tired today as I usually do after a shift. so praise the Lord all round.
Craig spontaneously came to pick me up, after they asked everyone to stay an hour longer after their shifts. He is going into hospital overnight- nothing serious- so it was lovely to see him albeit briefly. Is that what love is about?- totally taking in every minute you are with them, and just wanting to be with them every minute? Never thought that I would be quite that loved up. So all in all a brilliant 24 hours so far.
I'm going to go and have a bit of a nap now before the housemates return. They have both been away for a bit so it will be nice to catch up properly.

It's Tuesday?!

Not had a moment to update this since Thursday. It's my day off today and I'm just chilling with Blue and Jesus. This morning I read a familiar passage again in Matthew 19. It's were the discpiples ask him who can be saved. For the first time I imagined their indignation that it would be hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. You can hear their "I've given all up for you what do I get" and Jesus with such grace tells them what they will receive in eternity.
I want eternity back in my heart. Really been thinking about this a lot lately. How I can just live my life on a daily basis without thinking about eternity anymore like I used to. Especially in the last few weeks it has hit home how uncertain life can be. Really been struggling with back pain from work, to the point over the weekend where I just wanted to cry and give up. It just scared me in terms of my own shop and whether I can cope with the amount of walking and standing on my feet all day long. But this morning I am reminded that if we trust in God and put our worries in his hands he will look after the plans he has in our life. Not being idle but trusting our mental worries to him.

On a more update note these are a few of the things I have done over the last few days:
Dinner with George and Jan and Craig in an Italian in Cheadle.
Worked on Saturday and Sunday.
coffee with Marta in town.
Worked again on Monday and then went riding ( for the first time in ages really enjoyed riding Kate)
Spending lots of quality time with Craig.
So really a lot of work, work and more work.

Sleet & Rain

My man ( as Lizzie has so named him) had the marvelous idea of taking Blue and I for a walk in the countryside on my day off. However, due to no fault of his own I hasten to state, the weather wasn't great. Sleet, rain and freezing wind did not add to the fun of walking around Entwistle resevoir. Believe it or not we still managed to walk for an hour and a halve, deciding that the planned 5 hour walk maybe slightly too long considering the weather and that we have a dog who hates the rain! Best decision of the day.....:o)
It was really good fun really I'm exaggerating and I am very pleased to say that I didn't get upset when we had to wade through marshes and water because we were rather rubbish at reading the map we had with us. And anyone who knows me knows that being cold, wet and feeling slightly lost are not great combinations for me. For the next walk I'm buying an OS map, putting on waterproof trousers and my old walking boots may have to come out as well. The walk had it's bonuses- kissing gates and a lot of them. Ingenious names ;0)
Also the pub meal and beating Craig at Pool made it all completely worth it. Also Blue had his first pub experience, I think he will make a good Pub dog. So all in all a wonderful day and great to be outdoors and not lost as to what to do on my day off. Also have to add Homemade Cheshire Chocolate rocks.
On another note I have booked my flight (10 days in Canada coming up), paid my car tax and had my 5 promised shifts at work. So all is well as Mr. Anonymous foresaw.

Mysterious self

This morning I have been pondering why it is that our rational brain can tell us one thing but our whole body and heart reacts in panic and nervousness when faced with tricky situations? I know that small amounts of adrenalin are good for you but this level is surely dangerous. I'm already shattered by the sheer stress I put myself under. All self made stress by leaving tricky situations to the last minute. After 27 years of knowing and living with myself I should know that I am an organiser and shouldn't leave things to the last moment for fear of giving me a panic attack. But alas in my attempt to please every person in my life I run myself ragged. So here is the story: It's my Dad's 60th birthday in March- a rather important event. At my interview at Nero's two weeks ago I said that I may need time off- May?!?!?! I really want to go so it's a yes I want time off situation. But oh no I'm thinking "they may not employ me" "Craig will only have been back for a period of time and will be upset with me" So I say " I may need time off" then don't say anything straight away leaving it to 3 weeks before hand, when flights are in short supply and expensive and I have lost countless minutes of sleep over it all. When all in all I want to go and know that it's really important to do so. I wish I could explain this kind of behaviour within me. I mean it's not like I didn't know my Dad was turning 60 this year. But I really can't. So yes near panic attack just because I've done it all at the last moment. And it's now time to get ready for work and it's still not all sorted. Brain and actions don't always work together in my life.......

After Parties

Now if you read my blog from last weekend you will know that I am not against parties and clubing but when an after party wakes me up at 4am I really can't stand it. Oh yes some lads who live in one of the flats in Marta's place came back and were very loud, so got no sleep on Saturday. Then had to do a shift on Sunday afternoon. I did obviously survive but why are people so ridicously unaware of anyone else in their surroundings!?

Today has made up for it all. Firstly I have an extra shift tomorrow at a different store, which was a major answer to prayer. I've only been scheduled in for 4 shifts at my store which ain't enough to live on. So gettting another shift is great. Then I got a call from the boyf and he took me and Blue out to the pub for lunch and then a lovely walk around Lyme Park. It seems the place to be (see Sally D's blog). Discovered the watchtower in the woods and had a wonderful moment overlooking Manchester. Realising how small we are in comparison to the world and that God created it all and us and whatever is going on he knows about it. A moment to reflect, appreciate quiet and to breathe deeply and freely. Loved it :o)

I love my Craig for being spontaneous and taking me out on my days off. Tomorrow we are house viewing (he is purchasing on his own before anyone panics). I drove past the house (well I think I did from his description). It is only 1 mile away from the stables and overlooks a field. I have a feeling it is beautiful. So despite hardly any sleep, aching feet, knees and that time of the month life is good.

Tiredness

I don' t think I have ever felt this tired or have ached this much in my life. Seriously not. I think part of the problem has been that I still think I can do everything around my shifts as well as my shifts. Have to slow down, have to slow down. Had a difficult shift situation yesterday as they messed me about. Was also paid in a cheque! Not a lot for the effort you have to put in.

Working all weekend. Actually realised the time and I have to shoot. Dog, Guinea Pig and Flat sitting for Marta for one night. Should be fun.

Freak Body

It's official my body is officially freaky. I have a curve in my spine which apparently means I should be about 2 inches taller and now I've discovered that one of my feet is actually about 1/2 to nearly a shoe size smaller. Had to fork out for supports and hopefully that will help reduce the feet ache and back ache I'm getting at work. Slightly scary if it doesn't get better, as the thought does cross my mind that I may have to give up the dream job if it causes me to much aches and pains.

My wonderful boyfriend came and picked me up after work and I'm so glad. A: Because I love seeing him and it makes me smile but last night there was a reason B: My lovely housemate Sally D got mugged right outside our house. I got a txt about it from our neighbour the watchful Ellie but if I had to have walked from the busstop knowing that they were out there-in the dark- I would have been far more scared. So yes everyone wants us to move out. Don't get me wrong part of me wants to too, but another part is a bit stubborn and thinks that would be giving in to the fear.

Got up this morning and the doors had been barricaded with tables, long mirros, chairs and a bike. Quite funny in a strange sort of way. The landlord should be changing locks this morning. Let's hope that happens.