Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Too much time to think
Today I had to sit in my car waiting for a gas man and an electrician from 8am-11.40am. I saw the rain come down, lightning and thunder and as I forgot to bring a book to read I had far to much time to think. I've realised more and more lately that over the past few years I have turned into a very negative person. I expect the worst of people, of myself, of situations etc. I can't seem to find when this kicked in or whether I have just always been like that but because you forget the bad stuff in your past you can't remember. Certainly my journals of 5-6 years ago are pretty negative too. The one thing I definitely was was more assertive. Where did it go? When someone does something that bugs me I don't feel like it would be right for me to stand up to myself. I never had that. Is that a Christian thing? Have I spent to look always wanting to be a servant and concentrating so hard on that that I have become a doormat for people? Too scared of becoming aggressive rather than assertive...mmm definitely had to much time to think............................. (PS this is only a rant)
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1 comment:
Bells are a ringing
Working surrounded by blinkin' Christians, in a situation that is grinding me into the ground and seeping every last ounce of resiliance from my stress out body - it's blinkin' difficult not to get aggressive/ assertive/negative. working in a difficult situation where quite frankly there are injustices - I feel the pressure to "be gracious and understanding" (and want to be) but I feel there is fine line between being gracious and understanding and being a doormat, as there is a fine line between being assertive, standing up for an injustice, and being aggressive and negative. Quite frankly I haven;t worked out where it is, and I cross it frequently - and normally only realise I've crossed it about 1/2 later when I've calmed down. It's definitely a discipline to learn - but quite frankly in the process of learning it that line is gonna get crossed. Because if you don't cross the line - you don't really find out where it is, or how close you can get to it. And sometimes you need to get close to it, because if you don't you get too close to other lines - like being a doormat.
Sorry, no answers hear, except a shoulder to line up next to. Here's to finding lines... Cheers.
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