The fish are both dead now.

No more pets at my house. Now here is something I have not done in ages and that's read into something naturally as a message from God. But I feel that their death is quite significant. It's like the last 2 years of depression, thoughts of death and suicide should now pass and in their place there are just space. And I don't even feel like I'm reading to much into the death of my goldfish.

An added note

I can so relate:

Updates

I am exhausted. What's new there? It was definitely Nancy who died and Frank is on his last legs, I hate seeing him suffer but at the same time I can't kill a fish.... It's a horrible situation.

I want it to end.
Please Jesus heal him or let him die quickly.

A moment of reflection please

Please hold a moment of reflection (don't waste a whole minute) for one of my dead fish. It was a well loved pet. Yep found it dead as a doddo this morning and had to flush it down the toilet. Much to the dissaproval of my husband to be, as he wanted to give it a proper funeral but I didn't want to leave a dead fish in the tank for 9 hours.
Now I'm saying 'it' not because my fish have no names but because I'm not sure which one died. I assumed it was Frank, but now looking closer at the one that is still alive (just about) really looks more like Frank. Now please don't think I'm a bad pet owner for not knowing the difference I could only tell the difference because Nancy was smaller, as they looked so similar. And now that there is one missing I can't compare. I do feel rather bad. Sally D will know she was also so much better at telling the difference. But it's a sad occassion whoever died.
And just one rant more I had someone at Badenoch and Clarke actually say to me that I have no experience in Housing. They obviously didn't read my C.V properly what kind of recruitment agency is that!?!?!? I did send her a bit of a sarcy email back, thanking her for showing me that my C.V obviously doesn't state it clearly enough. (Bearing in mind that it has the words Arawak Walton Housing Association, and Freedom Properties in bold with dates in it.- bit of a dead give away really) Anywho- I should be gettting a nap right now rather then checking emails and generally surfing the internet. So best be off.

Frank's dying

My goldfish Frank is sick. What do you do with sick goldfish? I have changed the water and I'm hoping that he wil be ok by the end of the day. Please Lord heal Frank. I like having fish.
Things are a bit hard at the moment on the job front. I do wish I had more of a clear desire when it comes to careers. The job at Nero's is just exhausting me completely which doesn't help having a positive outlook on life.

Weird rotas

I really don't understand our rota system at work. I have had Saturday off then worked sunday and had today off. And now I'm on for 5 days. It seems silly. I really want a different job and soon.
The Vespa is now fixed but I'm a bit scared to ride it in this weather. It wa ss a bit of a mad idea to buy a scooter in this country especially on my wage. I could do with being able to afford a car and the Vespa at the same time. So if anyone out there would like to give me a car, that would be smashing :o) Also found out that the guy who sold it to me is a bit of a geezer, he gave me a tax disc which I thought was all right. But Craig looked at it today when we tried to fix it on the bike just to discover that it is actually out of date. Life hey it throws some funny things at ya.
It is actually 8.30pm now and I'm ready for bed as I have an early start tomorrow.
As for the quiet times they have not happened over the last couple of days, need to pray more again.

4 days in...

I'm still engaged...;o) Going ring shopping today and I am dead excited. Last night went out for a couple of drinks with a few close girls and it was such good fun to catch up with them. There are so many thoughts and emotions running around inside of me at the moment it's terrbibly crazy. I think my main concern is that in all the wedding planning I'll forget to focus on actually thinking about marriage. I so want the day to be amazing but I don't want to loose my focus on what is to follow. And how do you prepare yourself best for such an adventure as life long marriage?! If I think about how much I have changed in the last 27 years, I can't imagine what I'll be like in another 27. I think even though that thought can be a bit terrifying there is a real positive about it. In 27 years I will know my husband inside and out and he me, I will be able to have someone there who has closely watched the good and the ugly. I'm hoping and praying that in 27 years we will be more in love with each other then now, that we will know others in a deeper way and that we will both be at peace with Jesus.

On another note I have decided to make my blog a bit of a place of thinking about Jesus as well as just updates so excuse if I ramble, but hey it's my blog, its purpose is really to keep me a bit more accountable to actually having quiet times with him. This morning I did and I read a passage in http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark%2011:27-12:11;&version=31;; A simple passage really, but what hit me was how Jesus handled the way the Pharisees wanted him to defend his identity and his actions. He didn't get all defensive but came back with a question. A question which actually meant that he was saying "What right do you have to question my identity and my actions" It blew me over because that is not how I react when people question my relationship with Jesus or my actions (godly ones obviously). But I should far more respond in that way, because I know who I am in Jesus and I know what he wants from me. Our identity as Christians is so safe that we can have the same attitude to doubters of our identity. In Jesus I have a cornerstone who I don't have to defend. So this morning I also thought that that goes a bit further, in that it helps us move on from fears. If we know our identity and have our security in Jesus we can truly move on rather then returning to insecurities and fears. What amazing freedom we have.

How can I say this.........

I AM ENGAGED>................ It sunk in today I'm really engaged all official getting married to the most wonderful man ever. and I say that with all awareness of the good and the bad. Liz Wall is in trouble as she posted the news before I did on her blog... but of course as I love her dearly she is forgiven.

So here is how it happened. He got on one knee on a jetty overlooking Coniston lake on Saturday evening. It was so completely romantic. We then had a lovely dinner at the Sun Hotel with free sparkling wine-we both don't like Champagne so they picked well. I still feel rather giddy. Going ring shopping on Thursday. Will be in a year's time not set an exact date as yet.

Did scare myself rather by buying a Bride magazine- there is so much to organize and think about............. I'm so glad he and I are pretty down to earth and are aware that it's not just about the wedding day. Phew.

I'm sorry if people find this out over my blog rather then in person. Please forgive.

Found this

Whilst trying to find out constructive information about how to attach a tax disc holder to Charlie I found this instead. I wonder if I could ride like that?!http://www.biscl.com/downloads/taxi.wmv

Invalid

So it's still difficult to walk, sit, stand. About the only thing that feels comfortable right now is lying down. Woke up this morning thinking it was about 10 or 11am, actually wishing it was that. But instead it was 8am. I'm waiting for the post and then going back to bed, I feel that that is a better option then sitting in front of the telly. I really wish I had a box set of Desperate housewives or something like that. Probably just end up watching re-runs all morning. It's great to be off work but I can't really do anything energetic or walk anywhere.... Frustrating.
Had a good read of the Bible this morning. Mark, where Jesus kind a implies that he is Elijah and heals a boy of a demon. Made me think how little healing I have seen in my day and I am reminded that it is about prayer and faith. Working on the prayer bit at the moment and just trying to pray with anyone who is around rather then relying on organised events. God please speak a little bit more clearly to us all. Faith- to believe and hope in the unseen and the not yet.

It's official

Yes I am now officially a biker! I came off the scooter yesterday- I am amazed how unshocked I have been by the whole scenario. I think mainly because I came away with only a few scrapes and bruises. Walking is a little difficult and the lesson has been learnt- never, ever ride without a helmet or without gloves no matter what the weather. Not sure if I'll have the courage to get on the bike once I can walk better again- the right knee took quite a bashing but it's just bruising-but I think I should.
Charlie is ok, his breakpads had worn out and in the heat of yesterday they expanded and the front wheel locked making the bike unbalanced. Praise the Lord it happened just as I was pulling off at a traffic lights so not going more then 0.5 mph. Some very lovely builder guys stopped, put the bike in their van and drove me home. Charlie has some scrapes on his left side too and will probably be road worthy again in about a week. Anyone want to buy a Vespa?!
only kidding- or am I?
All a process of learning, I think God is really wanting to teach me vulnerability at the moment and learning to ask for help- so thank you Marta for driving me around yesterday and today. Very very much appreciated.
Going out limping tonight should be an experience.......................

What a day

How many adventures can you pack into one day:
1. Walking out of my door to a fire! I want to move. Yep some idiots had set a bin on fire on a road which our road comes off on. But right by a house. So set of to work having called the fire brigade.
2. Riding down Oxford road on my scooter in the middle of the day- how scary:o)
3. Finding a sticker on my bike at the end of the day offering to buy my scooter.
4. Breaking down on the scotter because I had not put oil in it!!! D'oh and then not being able to restart it, crying and Craig coming to the rescue.
5. A lovely tea in Craig's new garden enjoying the sun, really not wanting to go home- I want to live in a house like that!
6. Riding home at night for 20 min.

I am now exhausted and ready for bed. thinking of a change of career again, this shift work is killing me.

Happy Motoring

So here is Charlie. I have now had the joy of riding him for two days. Mind it takes me about 20 min to kick start him! Should have really investigated all this a lot more- but those who know me know that I like the deep end...;o)